


I'm a walking travesty (but I'm smiling at everything)

by 5secsofcalming



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: I Love You, M/M, Originally on Wattpad, Sad, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, i edited it a bit to make it work, please don't hurt yourself, this is so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-31
Updated: 2015-01-31
Packaged: 2018-03-09 21:58:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3265820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5secsofcalming/pseuds/5secsofcalming
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton is fed up. He can't take all of this any more. But sometimes the universe doesn't just let you do what you want in peace.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm a walking travesty (but I'm smiling at everything)

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING THIS CONTAINS SELF HARM AND ATTEMPTED SUICIDE PLEASE BE CAREFUL. I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN TO YOU AND YOU'RE A SPECIAL LITTLE PUMPKIN IF YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE I'M HERE

Today was the day. The day Ashton was going to die. And in all honesty, he couldn't be happier. They always say it will get better, that there's always someone to talk to, but that's never been true about Ashton. He's spent too long pretending that he's okay, how could he ever admit that really I'm the furthest possible place away from there? A single tear rolls down his cheek and he couldn't help but think of everything and everybody he would miss. But they won't miss him, so what does it matter? The voices finally had taken over completely - he was no longer in control and so this was his time to go. Goodbye, cruel world as they always say. This couldn't be more true right now. The plan is all in place: his mum was in work all day, and Lauren and Harry were in school. Nobody in his way.

He made his way to his bathroom picking up Buddy (his blade) for the last time and taking him through to his bedroom where he wrote his note:

_"This was my road to ruin, and you started at my end"_

_To be honest, I never thought it would get this far, but guess what? The demons won. The voices. The bullies. And to be even more honest, I think this will be the happiest time I will have in a long time._

_To the 2 friends in my life that seemed to care (Calum and Michael): Thank You. For everything. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't even have lasted this long, but enough is enough. I'm not worth you worrying about me if you even did, and there are people way more important than me in your lives; whether they've always been in them, are in them now, or will be. They will be so much more special to you than me, and all I ask of you is one thing, remember that today I was smiling, more genuine than ever, and that's the way I want you to remember me, smiling at everything, especially if you've seen me smiling for real. If you choose to remember me, that's the thing I want you to remember. I just want to emphasise this though: do not cry for me, and don't beat yourself up because of it. There was nothing that could have been done to stop this, this is all I've wanted for a while. Yeah there were a few warning signs I guess (nobody's that bad at crossing roads really, that's why I chose to die like this, forgive me for the sadisticness - is that a word?), but how are you ever supposed to tell your friends something like this? Anyways, none of that matters now, all you really need to know is that I love you. I really do. So much. So thank you all, I can never put into words how much you mean to me. I hope that one day when you've lived out your lives to an appropriate age that I will meet you again in heaven or hell or wherever we end up, and I'll watch over you and look forward to that day for the rest of your lives. Again: I love you so much._

_Mother: I'm truly sorry for this. I love you so much, but I never fit into this world, not really. And so I must leave. Look after yourself, and Lauren and Harry too. I could never ask for a better family, but everything was all to much for me, so please promise me you'll look after each other forever, keep each other close. Lauren, you are truly one of the best people in my life and you're so beautiful; never forget that. Your smile is one of the brightest and prettiest things in existence, please don't let it go, for me. Harry, you're my favourite little guy, and I'm sorry that I'm leaving you when you're still so young. I will always love you all, and will watch over you wherever I end up._

_To everybody else that didn't exactly hide how much they didn't give a fuck about me: Goodbye. Have a good life. But in the future pay more attention to what you're saying to people because you never know what a person thinks when you say something that could be taken in many different ways depending on the person's emotions at that time. So be warned._

_Now, to everybody who suffers from any sort of mental health problem, self-harms, is suicidal etc: please get help. I didn't and now look at me. You can fight the demons and win, I know you're stronger than me. And there will always be somebody that cares that you can talk to. I know it's hard but try talking to somebody even if it's only on the internet or something - it doesn't have to be face to face conversation if that's what's scaring you. Stay strong, keep fighting - you are not as worthless or pathetic as you think. In the eyes of the most important people in your lives you are a perfect 10, so keep on trucking sunshine, you'll get better, as long as you talk to somebody._

_And to Luke Hemmings, I sat next to you all through English and Maths - I've seen your 'artwork' when your bracelets slip out of place... please know you're perfect to a lot of people, and if this is the day I die, I have a confession to make: you are the most adorable person to me - when you absent-mindedly doodle cute little things all over your work when you're not really concentrating, it's one of the cutest things ever. You deserve somebody very special so please stay strong for them. And that message goes out to anybody fighting addictions, urges and problems. I love you all too._

_In conclusion, this is my time to go. I love you all, but don't ever say this was for attention. This is the last resort and what use would there be with attention if I were dead anyway? Anyways, goodbye to you all, keep on living - do what I wasn't strong enough to do, because you are so loved._

_Oh and to the driver that hit me, I'm sorry - you are not to blame and I really hope that everybody knows that. I've been working on this for so long that I know it will have been impossible for you to not hit me. I am the one to blame, and so to you I am truly sorry._

_Farewell,_

_Ashton Irwin_

Once Ashton finishes writing, he puts down his pen, picking up Buddy for the last time, taking off his over shirt that was hiding all his scars, taking Buddy into his hands and re-opening every one again, adding probably about 50 extra not so deep ones in the clear space all over the area of both arms, along with 10 very deep ones on his left wrist. It felt so good, the familiar cold metal gliding across his skin: his true best friend making him feel human again as he watched his blood trickle down his arms, staining his clothes as it dripped onto those too. But, if this was to be the last time he'd get the chance to do this, might as well make an impact, no?

Content with all of my fresh cuts, he picks up his now tear and blood stained note and places it just inside the front door, putting his earphones in and blasting his favourite sad songs full volume into my ears. As he walks over to his chosen place of death, Therapy by All Time Low is the last thing he can hear before impact. However, it wasn't quite enough to kill him straight away. "Great" he mutters to himself, voice breaking mid-word. As he opens his eyes and they start focusing, he sees the one and only Luke Hemmings hovering over him, and he swears that the universe must hate him or something. Or maybe it's fate. As Ashton blinks up at the most beautiful face he thinks he's ever seen, he feels his earphones being ripped gently out of his ears, the music disappearing and being replaced with a voice that Ashton was happy he would hear for the rest of his life, the blue eyed boy muttering sorry repeatedly as he placed soft kisses all over Ashton's bare skin, taking special care of the cuts along his wrists. Somewhere along the line, Ashton wasn't quite sure when, Luke was no longer wearing his red plaid shirt, and it was instead ripped into pieces, tied around his wrists in an attempt to stop the bleeding, all the while with Luke muttering little apologies.

"It's fine Lukey, there was nothing you could do" Ashton croaked, a light chuckle leaving my lips. "Sing me to my sleep?"

And so that's what he did, Ashton's eyes slipped closed as he drifted off to his death, Luke's beautiful angelic voice warming his soul. As for the first time in his life, he was genuinely happy.

**Author's Note:**

> if you wanna say hey [this is my tumblr](raggedybuck.tumblr.com)


End file.
